In psychology today, there’s a popular hypothesis that the roots of almost all mental health issues in adults can be traced back to childhood. Most of us were taught from a young age to be kind, obliging, and to help everyone in need. As we grow up, we realize that others often take advantage of this.

However, the habit of saying “yes” to everything is already ingrained, and it can be hard to say “no.” Let’s explore how to learn to refuse and say no.

Why Say “No”?

Most of us have probably watched or at least heard of the comedy Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. Without getting into too many details, the story is about a man who, by constantly rejecting every offer, misses out on many exciting opportunities in life. His life improves only when he starts saying “yes.”

Knowing this great movie, you may ask: why say “no” when agreeing seems as rewarding as winning while betting on the most predictable tournament via 22Bet?

Unfortunately, real life isn’t that bright. If you don’t know how to say no, you risk becoming someone who is taken advantage of by others. Meanwhile, your comfort, goals, and desires can be forgotten.

Learning to say “no” doesn’t mean becoming selfish or cold-hearted. It’s about setting boundaries and respecting yourself.

Why Is Saying “No” So Difficult?

Why is it so hard to say “no”? Sometimes, we may not even fully understand the reasons behind our reluctance to refuse.

Upon reflection, we might find that many of these reasons aren’t as important as we thought. Even if they seem significant, it’s always possible to work on them and reduce their weight.

But how can we say no when:

• We need confirmation of our importance and irreplaceability.
• We fear hurting someone who’s asking for a favor.
• We have poorly defined personal boundaries.
• We were raised to be “convenient.”

It may seem impossible to refuse under these circumstances, but in reality, it’s absolutely possible! Every reason can and should be addressed. Below, we’ll explain how to say “no” effectively.

How to Learn to Say “No”

So, how do we start saying “no”? It’s not always easy, but by following these steps consistently, we can make progress.

Acknowledge Your Boundaries

The first step is recognizing and accepting your personal boundaries. Let’s break them down into two types: ideal and real.

Ideal boundaries represent the level of interaction between you and others where you experience no discomfort. This means you engage with people without feeling like you’re doing things against your will.

Real boundaries are the current state of affairs. It takes courage to acknowledge how much we actually allow others to cross our boundaries.

The goal is to bring our real boundaries as close to the ideal as possible.

Set Priorities

A good way to learn to say no at work is by prioritizing tasks and responsibilities that are genuinely important. In the context of work, this means focusing on your actual job duties, or activities that might help you advance in your career, if that’s your goal.

Once you identify your priorities, you’ll be more motivated to say no to things that aren’t important.

Practice Simple Refusals

A great exercise for learning how to say no is practicing with minor situations. Before trying to refuse important people like your boss, parent, or spouse, practice with those who matter less or in situations that don’t have significant consequences.

For example, when someone offers you a brochure on the street or when a bank representative calls to pitch an unnecessary loan, politely and firmly say, “No, thank you, I’m not interested,” and go about your day.

Once you’ve mastered the small “no’s,” it’ll be easier to move on to bigger ones.

Use the “Delayed Response” Tactic

Another great exercise is the “delayed response” tactic. Often, we agree to things automatically without even thinking if we truly need them. Later, it becomes awkward or too late to say, “I changed my mind.”

If you tend to agree automatically, train yourself to say, “I’ll think about it.” This simple phrase will save you from many unnecessary actions. It’s much easier to say no after taking time to consider the request, rather than after having already said yes. Giving yourself time for flexibility is a valuable habit that can help in various situations.

Clear and Confident Communication

The next step is delivering a firm and confident “no.” No excuses or evasions. Realize that saying no is your right, just like eating, breathing, or using the restroom. You don’t question your right to do those things, do you?

So, calmly refuse any request you’re uncomfortable with. The key is to be polite and respectful. You don’t need to make up excuses, offer long explanations, or apologize for your refusal. “No” is your right.

Offer Alternatives

At first glance, this might seem to undermine the previous point, but it doesn’t. To maintain good relationships — whether with colleagues, family, or your boss — it’s important not to say “no” all the time without explanation.

It’s useful to propose alternatives or find compromises, but only when appropriate. For example, if a distant acquaintance asks you to co-sign a large loan, a simple and direct “no” is sufficient.

But if your spouse suggests going to a bar after work and you’re too tired, it’s okay to offer alternatives like, “Why don’t you go with friends?” or “How about we get some snacks and watch a game at home?” Offering alternatives shows that your “no” is not cold-hearted but part of a balanced conversation.

Address Fears and Guilt

If all these steps seem too difficult and you still struggle to say no, even to strangers, it’s time to look deeper within. Understand the source of your fear of the word “no.” Reflect on your past. When did you first become afraid to refuse? Maybe guilt over saying no was imposed by someone, like a grandmother who would clutch her heart if you didn’t want to eat her pastries, or similar situations.

Work on your self-esteem and self-awareness, and realize that refusal is normal, healthy behavior for an adult. If necessary, seek help from a professional.